2020 has almost come to a close…

I will say Goodbye and Good Riddance to 2020, but not before I take a look back:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and auld lang syne?

– Robert Burns

What a tumultuous rollercoaster ride it has been…

The beginning of the year was merely six months in on my grief road.

I was wandering and lost in the woods.

But January 2, 2020 started with a Paradigm Shift

Still reminiscing with posts such as In the Beginning and The Beginning Through the End.

On January 9th, I had another of many visits from My Love in Daybreak and a Visit

At 201 days I started to find my Strength but still Jumping Down Rabbit Holes on Day 209 and looking for Strength II near the end of January.

February brought Grief, Groundhog Day, and Palindromes

and was also my toughest grief month.

The hard work began with Buried, Excavation, and Returning,

Acknowledging My Beast(s), another Visit in Inner Dialogue at 4am,

the beginning of happiness

that would prove to be short lived with a meltdown of EPIC proportions that nearly took me out of the world.

The epic meltdown led to Thoughts and more thoughts on being honest with myself.

Then the wild ride to my journey of self began…

I faced my darkness , chose between growth and safety, and experienced personal growth at the speed of light!

I truly embraced myself and my weirdness and that led to exponential growth.

March brought a trip to London with my Effie, full of once-in-a-lifetime sights and experiences. The sentinel moment of the trip was totally unexpected and not on our itinerary. We went to Stonehenge! It was magical, inspiring, emotional, and I will never forget the experience of stepping inside the circle.

My other awe-inspiring experience in London was The Priory Church of St. Bartholomew’s the Great – built in 1123 AD. The floors were so smooth from centuries of walking that one drop of water could turn the stone into a skating rink. The energy was palpable. Imagine entering the Lady Chapel and walking on the same floors that Benjamin Franklin once trod. I was gobsmacked.

Then COVID, fucking COVID, and talk of New Normal, flying home through Toronto and having flashbacks of concentration camp documentaries watched with Larry. Shutdowns, and shit getting real.

The Covid-19 affect and isolation hit hard and I continued to embrace my weirdness and rediscover myself.

On April 2^nd My Aunt died. I was honored to be with her as she transitioned to the home she looked forward to for as long as I can remember.

Larry had his first happy birthday in heaven.

I decided that Mourning + Contentment = Healing & Moving Forward, yes I know it doesn’t make sense (unless one has traveled my road), but it made perfect sense to me.

I received poignant Lessons from my Little (wise) Granddaughter Bristol and from nature in the form of the old hollow tree in my front yard.

As a result of a Thankful challenge, in the days leading up to the one-year anniversary of Larry going on to his next great adventure, I consciously began practicing Gratitude with the post Rona Musings Gratitude Day One.

I can honestly say that if I could pinpoint one thing in 2020 that changed my life, it was consciously practicing gratitude on a regular basis.

I was grateful for my past with Larry and grateful for my present with friends, I found hope, I was even grateful for nothing at all…

Finally, yes, finally, I set my intention to heal.

I started crying happy tears, instead of always sad.

Larry’s Yahrzeit came and went. The first anniversary of his death on the Hebrew Calendar.

I began living in the present moment instead of always looking backwards, embracing silence, and welcoming laughter back into my life.

I started moving things around in the house and cleaning out the old to make way for the new. It was difficult at times…

In the days leading up to Larry’s one-year anniversary, I took a deep dive back into the abyss with Musings Gratitude Day 28 and Musings Gratitude Day 29.

And then the dreaded Anniversary June 26th: Musings Grateful for Larry and two very important lessons learned on that very day one from potatoes, and another that was more spiritual in nature.

June 28th, Larry’s stone setting. The very last duty on the list to do for him. It was bittersweet (due to COVID travel restrictions) but ZOOM helped family from afar connect.

July 7th marked our 13th married anniversary , and I was thankful to wake up in peace and with a smile.

I went on to make more changes in my life, more realizations, did some major house cleaning (so to speak), and battled against my thoughts to become what I was in my heart, and identified my path to healing.

I have become Unapologetically Real with myself and others.

Although filled with unfathomable pain, I was grateful that I went through the last year of my life to experience the personal growth.

After “Why I Write” was re-written for the third time, my focus has been on peace, happiness, and positive energy. I stopped watching the news. Rarely watch mindless television for hours, unless it’s a documentary or something that piques my interest. Mostly read and listen to music.

… music like Disturbed “A Reason to Fight” that helped me through many, many, difficult days.

I have a new “friend” who accepts my past and my weirdness. I have been nothing but my authentic self with him.

Do I still remember Larry? Yes. He visits regularly, hides things, flickers the lights, and makes his presence known in my dreams. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Do I still cry? Occasionally.

I cried when writing this 2020 retrospective. But I can’t really say they were tears of mourning. If it’s possible to cry tears of joy and sadness at the same time, that is how I would describe them.

I am truly at peace and content for the first time in my life.

I am looking forward to 2021, whatever it may bring, because I know that whatever happens will be meant to be for me.

I wish you peace, love, and joy in 2021 !

XO Lisa ❤️ living a gratitude filled life!

PS – Thank you Renee from Heart Tokens for the Goodbye or Good Riddance tag!