As alluded to in my blog post In The Beginning my Love had multiple health issues causing great pain.
He was an Orthotist/Prosthetist by profession (before he sold his practice and started driving), so when his toes became necrotic he knew exactly the road he was traveling. It wasn’t a pleasure trip. In fact, it was a very painful journey to say the least. Whether the necrosis was caused by calciphylaxis or lack of circulation is really a moot point. The pain was so intense that we sought out Palliative Care Hospice. Then it spread to the calves of his legs and became unbearable even with maximum doses of multiple pain medications, I knew in my heart that my Love was fading. However, there were funny moments. When he had the biopsy done on his calves he asked the dermatologist to remove a prominent skin tag from his nose “since he was there he may as well.” Even ill and facing his earthly mortality he wanted to look good… It made him so happy to get that thing removed that we took a trip to the roof to celebrate.
He was able to come home- for four days. A ramp was installed with help from friends. I bought a power chair, put a platform carrier on the truck.
But then he fell and it was back to the hospital via EMS. The walls started to crumble. I was able to spend his last four weeks with him – comforting, advocating, and, although he was in the hospital, caring for his needs.
Much of the time I was in health care provider mode- that place where I could separate emotion from what needed to be done.
Except for the last day. I was in wife mode. I didn’t see it coming. We had the best day. You can read about it in my post Why I Write. As I reflect, I am grateful for that last, wonderful day and evening when we were just us. But it made the next day so utterly unexpected that the suffocating grief was nearly unbearable.
To be continued …
195 & 7/365 XO Lisa
Grateful, Thankful, and Mending! 
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Oh, Lisa these are so incredibly emotional. My heart goes out for what the two of you shared. I was so taken by storm when my mom had her stroke that when I look back, I only see a ghost of me and the guilt for that is unbearable still. I am in awe of the strength displayed by you even in revisiting timelines or the pictures. It’s far more than I can do.
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I feel compelled to revisit… I was so blessed that I don’t want to forget anything. I especially love hearing the memories of others. So what if I cry?
No guilt- we all deal with things in our own way…
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No, no I understand. I was just in admiration of your ability to do what fear keeps/has kept me from doing…As often happens my words just didn’t come out properly 😔
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And maybe I’m just a masochist 😂
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I actually just know that I failed a lot during my processes and I learn from reading the courage and strength in others stories. I wasn’t that.
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I just overthink… and read a lot. We all fail a lot… no shame in being human – defense mechanisms are there for a reason.
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Never got that last day really. But it is what it is. We hang onto whatever we can find. x
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Yes, we do. My last day was a blessing in retrospect
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Lisa, I’m enjoying your blog very much. Barry and I were always in awe of your dedication, caretaking, medical knowledge, the ability to always hope for improvement, and your advocacy skills and determination for Larry to have the best care. Even though you may have felt sorrowful on the inside, you were very strong for him. How you did this while having a full time job, we’ll never know!
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Oh my goodness, thank you. I love you both so much. ❤️ XO
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I too was lucky enough to experience some of his last day. I hold on to that memory so dearly
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Jen- I am so happy that you were present. I am also happy that the two of you were so close- I know he was thrilled. I value your love and support ❤️ XO
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