Author Archives: lprslr

Interdependent- what a marvelous word! It says many things that need to be heard- I can be me and you can be you Both looking out for the other, it’s true.Left behind are dependence, jealousy and greed- Thinking not of oneself, but of each other’s needs. No fear of rejection, guilt trips or threats Each […]

My playlist has expanded Like life, old songs stayed like familiar friends but new songs were added to provide hope. Always moving forward but glancing back at times to see how far I’ve traveled on this mercurial road of living through grief.

I once had a dream that G-d wasn’t here He wouldn’t listen- I could not draw near. In the past I’d believed, but not anymore: When a window was closed- He’d open a door. But the door didn’t open, it was tightly closed. My hopes and dreams seemed highly opposed. In my dream I was […]

I am perfecting my speech Two times in two weeks Two different stores First store I had asked for my Love’s name to be removed and mail still kept coming in his name. I was polite and mentioned that he had passed. Then she looked up the account and said his name with a question […]

Music has been a part of my life since basically the beginning. My very first memory of music is my daddy picking me up and dancing with me to Nat King Cole singing “Mona Lisa” – and giggling. My mom always had the radio going during the day and we would sing along to all […]

My wonderful sister suggested that I find a happier song. I found it! A lesson for all who grieve: https://youtu.be/qG05D3OeJYQ “Hold On to Memories” by Disturbed Thanks for the music…

So I have to tell you something freaky that happened. I have been listening to the song “Reason to Fight” by Disturbed nearly nonstop since Monday (the first time I listened it nearly broke me). After the 100th time it became comforting because I imagined my Love singing it to me. Now it’s my anthem […]

The harbinger of change Leaves fall like tears Heralding the frozen landscape of winter in the soul. But spring is promised with growth and new life. Seasons change. Change is constant reliable freeing surprising anticipated an adventure an invitation to begin anew a gift from G-d.

There are many different types of holes Sink holes Pot holes Caves Caverns Wishing wells Shining stars in the darkness turning into empty black holes when stars burn out. When ones heart shatters after a death it is slowly pieced back together but there are dark black holes left from pieces missing. Light, although fractured […]

This song describes my head at the moment. Dark and longing for light… “A Reason to Fight” by Disturbed https://youtu.be/2axiYQYJMUU My Love would want me to fight. I will

I found my Love’s journal. The one he wrote before me. Those who know me say that I grew up a curious child, the sense of wonder and curiosity never went away. So I opened it, and read – all 23 pages. The words were familiar – stories I had heard in my Love’s own […]

Night is the hardest time when I miss my Love missing conversations missing his hugs missing his touch missing him nearby. With just the thought of sleeping alone… the familiar burning starts in my eyes and tears fall as I prepare for bed while I silently give thanks that I was so fortunate to be […]

My love taught me lessons to last a lifetime. That I am beautiful inside and out- although I still don’t see myself that way, he did and that mattered. That I am capable in my abilities, to fight for what is right and to recognize my worth. He bestowed confidence because he showered love unconditionally. […]

I have been putting off the basement purge for far too long. Nine years, to be exact. After the box anxiety attack last weekend I thought about putting it off forever. But today I took a deep breath and waded in. The basement monsters we’re not as scary as the (expletive) box that received more […]

Well, my Love You would be proud of me I’ve managed 122 days without you. Nights are still long, tears daily, your good morning when I wake up at 4:30am- the same time you left me. But good things are on the horizon- things you wanted to happen long ago… you’ll be the first to […]

I took the step to disconnect to stop listening to noise and drama to just focus (on me for a change) on life reflect on living the past on going forward. To slay some dragons clear out my own mental noise. Therefore, facebook is dark television is off radio is too. Music is on full […]

Job 23:10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. Refining gold requires a furnace. The fire is stoked to 1947.52 degrees Fahrenheit- the melting point of gold. The gold is placed in a crucible with flux only until it melts completely. After the […]

I am convinced that those who are actively grieving should form a secret society. With handshakes or knowing glances Well, maybe not the knowing glances. But we could seek each other out for comfort or commiserations. Such a society would be useful for days like today when the grief was so loud that only Metallica […]

The saying “Two steps forward one step back” keeps rolling through my mind while traveling this winding road of learning to live a new life without my Love. Truth be told, 10 steps forward and one step back is more descriptive at the present time. And since letting go of the edge of the cliff, […]

Every time I think I’m able to move from debilitating sadness and hanging on the grief cliff by my fingernails to happiness and light or memories without tears, the familiar burning starts in my eyes and the tidal wave of grief washes over my heart and soul. Then I cry, swear with every filthy word […]

I am thankful for grandchildren who are joyful about rides on one cent ponies or putting vegetables in bags or just picking out the perfect orange. They are growing so fast and I can’t help thinking that my Love is watching and smiling. His wish was that we remind them of how much grandpa loved […]

I wish I had a time machine I would go back to 2005 When I met my Love I would write down every moment every word he said everything we did together… So I would never ever forget each moment I would savor every touch hug more talk more write down stories because memories are […]

At one time or another, everyone will grieve someone. It’s bound to happen. The only things certain about life are taxes, death, and change. I went to calling hours today (for those unfamiliar, a time set aside before a funeral to express condolences to the family). The blank looks, sadness, shock, swollen eyes, tears, and […]

This happened on Tuesday: My Love’s Explorer pulled into the driveway- it’s new owner was dropping something off. I had Roxie the dog outside on the leash. She got so excited when she heard the car… ran to the driver’s door and looked inside then around to the back hatch to look there. She walked […]

I firmly believe that people are put into the path of one’s life for a reason. Krista is one of those people. She started as my Love’s palliative care physician and has subsequently become a friend. Today I met her glorious pigs. Just as every person has a story, pigs do too. Ms. Zumwalt aka […]

I realized something quite profound today. My guilty feelings over not doing enough, recognizing things, or knowing (things that I could not have known) are misplaced. It was never my path to save you My path was to learn openness and trust that I could, that I deserved to LOVE and be loved by a […]

Yes, I am still counting the days without my Love. The 90-day-ish mark has always been the hardest for me. The loss becomes, shall I say, real. Grief on overdrive. When my sister died 15 years ago, the 90-day mark was the time when I nearly drove over a bridge thinking at least the daunting […]

My Love visited this morning in a Dream We were driving around in the country in the orange Aztec (his favorite car). He was wearing his usual Australian hat and colorful shirt We were talking and laughing as we did a lot. I pulled up a steep hill and thought the car was going to […]

Gratitude Challenge: Write down three things you are thankful for each day. I have been doing this for some time now, and I have to tell you it has literally rocked my world. The funny thing is, that nothing in my life has really changed- except my perceptions. Whenever I get sad or lonely I […]

How can sorrow be beautiful? This question has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. My thought processes can be kind of disjointed. But follow along with me on my journey to the realization that sorrow is indeed beautiful: Grief, at least in the beginning, is all-encompassing. My tears flowed freely. I don’t think I […]

Moving forward is easier said than done. Especially when life before was filled with love. Before I met my Love I had never experienced the depth and breadth of the love we shared. Now I am left with the wonderful memories of being unconditionally loved for who I am. The love we shared is still […]

I’ve decided that because life is too short I am going to be happy to be alive and move forward for me. This weekend I finished cleaning out the bedroom drawers and closet (except for shoes) and the junk room (aka office). Someone responded to the above with: “Busy bees have no time for sorrow.” […]

Faith In things unseen and a G-d who rules the universe has been part of my life since childhood. When sorrow, sadness, grief, or trials come I dig deep and remember that ultimately G-d is in Control. I was taught that before we were born G-d knew our lives beginning to end. Because I believe […]

The Visit In the still of night tucked in bed with only one dim bedside light lit, whilst reflecting on conversations about you at dinner I heard your distinctive footsteps walking down the hardwood in the hall. I looked up through tears to see a shadow pass by the doorway to our bedroom. I said […]

Death is hard on children too My three (almost four) year old granddaughter was full of questions today. “Why did PawPaw have to die?” “Is that Paw Paw’s hat?” “Whose cups are those, Paw Paw’s?” “Are Rusty (the dog) and Paw Paw playing in heaven?” “Is Paw Paw and Rusty with Grandma – mommy’s mom?” […]

Grief is deceptive Some days it allows me to believe that everything is okay and the time has come for change, for new life, for moving on, for feeling good, about the future, for allowing memories without tears. Then Grief pulls out the sledgehammer and beats me up black and blue when every memory, picture, […]

Always My love: I know that you know, But 70 days since and you are Still in our thoughts- We talk about you Like you’re still here I say hello to you When I see an orange Aztec Driving down the street Jennifer sees dragonflies everywhere Shawn and Sarah have A lot of dragonflies At […]

I miss my Rusty… Roxie is doing okay so far, besides still waiting by the door… Of course, I didn’t see the paw print in the clay until I got home. Waterworks started immediately.

I know that you know I started the painful process Of packing up your clothes Every shirt I touched brought back memories of places we went Together Things we did Meals we ate Sights we saw Conversations we had Together Now you are no longer here but I feel you in every tear memory and […]

There are many words for Alone: Solo, Companionless Deserted, Desolate Forsaken, Lonesome Unattached, Widowed In solitude I feel My love here with me But my heart hurts more With the overwhelming Realization that I am alone People say “You are not alone.” But that’s an illusion 60 days tomorrow Since my Love Passed I Am […]

We Laughed at Your Funeral I know that you know and I should apologize but won’t but we laughed through our tears At your funeral From seeing your name engraved on the casket (You so love having things “Personalized”) to funny stories in your Eulogy Then you always having the last word no matter what… […]

My heart Is Broken But not Destroyed The pieces Will be glued Mended and Healed But will forever be Scarred Because I will never Forget My love’s impact On my soul My being Life has inexorably Changed © Lisa M Preisler 23 Aug 2019

My love taught me Many lessons Lessons about hope Hope for the future Hope for getting better Continuing on Even though His life was difficult and His pain was unyielding Larry had HOPE I will Honor his memory By Continuing on with Hope for the future Even though Life without him Is difficult and Pain […]

I’ve heard it said “Life is a series Of choices.” I have decided To honor my love’s memory By choosing to smile more And find three things To be grateful for each day Lawrence always wanted Me to smile more It was hard, watching my love deal with Illness was stressful But then he’d make […]

A weekend of firsts Has come and gone I’m sure you are proud Of my lessons learned: It’s okay to accept sincere ‘I’m sorry’ and hugs from friends Without feeling too claustrophobic I survived sleeping in a hotel room alone Without you a phone call away Even though it was the very same room we […]

I’ve heard it said That grief is a passage Not a place to stay It’s the price of love This implies that one Should ‘get over’ the death Of a beloved . Love never dies Therefore, Grief IS forever Grief is NOT a passage It’s not crossing a bridge Or going through a tunnel To […]

44 days Since you’ve been Gone One day more Than you spent in the hospital The last two times… You have been pain free Longer now than you Endured such severe pain The thought gives me some comfort I can’t really say That my pain began when yours ended, Because my heart hurt every day […]

The only thing guaranteed About life Is change Change in my life Has been marked by Sentinel events In which I didn’t think Survival was possible 1991 divorce I survived and thrived 2004 My sister’s death I learned how to grieve and survived 2016 My parents’ deaths I survived 2019 The death of my beloved […]

Good intentions are not always the best advice When grieving- Even from friends * I’m sure that it’s tough and Uncomfortable To see me sad and Grieving But Those who have Traveled this road Will lean in Listen Share stories of How they coped * Grief over a loss Never truly ends Because love Never […]

My friends are the best They point out (with love) that It’s time for me to start living Have fun Stop hiding Do things Go places Take control of my life Laugh And find myself again. . That Lawrence would be Upset that I was sad All the time Instead of celebrating That he is […]

. I fought for you Researched treatment options Diet options Natural options Transplant options Different doctors Ways to help alleviate pain Palliative care options . In the end I did all I could To love you and care for you But I could not keep you or heal you . I was not that powerful […]

Rusty the Wonder Dog is with my Love now I’m sure their reunion was amazing Rusty was loyal, loving, and started out as my dog But when my love became ill Rusty became the chief comfort dog Rusty loved children They could do anything to him and he didn’t complain Rusty the wonder dog who […]

My love would not want me to: Be sad forever He could lighten my mood With one well-placed sarcastic comment Cry forever Although I seem to have No control over the tears Stop smiling He loved my smile and Did silly things just to make me laugh Be a hermit He loved life too much […]

Thoughts on Grief XV When I met my love I was broken I had numerous walls Around my heart He recognized my spark His charisma Was like a jackhammer To my soul Breaking down walls Opening my feelings Making me talk Forcing expression Bringing out the best Me Now I am my best self No […]

I used to look to my love for support Now I lean on my G-d on my memories on my family on my friends on myself   I lean into grief because the only way to get through the wilderness Is to keep walking keep crying keep remembering keep loving It would be easy to […]

Today 30 days since Your burial The traditional Jewish Mourning period For one’s spouse Is over But I know You will always be With me.   I know that You know But I took off our rings today They were making me too sad Besides They were only An outward manifestation Of our love That […]

My love came to me This morning In a dream He was purposefully Striding towards me Over the top of a hill   I knew it was him He was dressed in black pants White button-down shirt Australian boots and his signature hat.   He was healthy Vibrant No gray in his goatee Smiling He […]

Anger I hit the anger wall Screaming Crying Praying Damn kidney failure Damn dialysis Damn calciphylaxis Damn diabetes Damn congestive heart failure Damn these diseases That took My love From me Damn Damn Damn   But anger didn’t change anything G-d knew when It was his time to be in His Presence Predestined Preordained   […]

Rebirth New Normal New Life Starting over Gestation Cocoon Forever changed   I can never remove the WE from me. To do so would deny Your existence Your impact Your love You   I will incorporate The lessons The love The joy The laughter Into Me So You will NEVER Be Forgotten…   © Lisa […]

The transition from we to me is painful. From trips to the grocery store seeing his favorite foods- picking them up out of habit putting them back with tears, to calling his number out of habit when I get in the car. How do I take the we out of me?   I need to […]

Grief Is not something that should be Stifled Stuffed down Put out Moved on from Grief is a necessary part of Healing Growth Finding Joy in the little things Remembering Laughter Becoming radiant again The hole in my heart is there for a reason The impact my love made on my life is forever a […]

Four weeks Seems like a thousand years and just yesterday since you’ve been gone   Emotions up and down Remembering you with joy and sorrow   Joy that I had you in my life for 13.58 years Joy for the blessing of you Joy for the trials that brought us closer Joy for the laughter […]

All-encompassing grief Is Beautiful sorrow   A friend Pointed this out to me and It made me think   Paradigm shift   Without love There is no grief Love is beautiful Therefore grief Is beautiful as well   Mourning my beloved Is beautiful   Sorrow over loss Grief Thoughts Tears Longing Remembering Means my beloved […]

3 August 2019   Up at 4:30am, again. Crying, again. Unable to go back to sleep, again. Looking through pictures and videos on my phone, again.   There was a video of Lawrence that I watched through tears recorded this year during an early Cleveland Indians game on March 30th.   In the video, he […]

25 days Our perfect number 7 Since you’ve Been gone Tears still come When I Think of you Memories too That Make me laugh I know you know But I’ve been reading About people Who’ve experienced What the afterlife is like: Talking to G-d Endless Love No pain Awareness Acceptance Joy Thinking of you Pain-free […]

I miss morningswith My LoveAlthough he was usuallystill asleep when I awoke,Just knowing that he was here presentwith me was enough. Funny…I’ve never criedover morningsuntil today… Just another momentof longing of rememberingof gratitudefor precious time shared.


When a friend mentioned that my sorrow was beautiful I was taken aback. In the midst of my grief and pain I didn’t understand how sorrow could be beautiful. I thought about it and realized that it is impossible to mourn someone one does not love. Deep love requires deep mourning. To do any less, […]

15 July 2019  I had a dream about my love He was in the hospital bed Speaking to a doctor whom I had never seen   He was crying, upset Telling the doctor, “This is all too fast It’s all happening too fast.”   I woke up crying And spoke out-loud to my love, “Honey, […]

You shared a dream with me You were surrounded by Your parents and grandparents. Some you never knew due to the Shoah   They all came to hug you Except one grandfather He stood with his arms crossed- and just nodded.   You hesitated to share, Because you thought I would think they were coming […]

Our children and I made picture boards for my love’s shiva. My daughter pulled out the magnet collection from his extensive travels and searched until she found just the right magnets to use to help hold the pictures in place. When I opened the box to put the magnets away, “Not Your Average Joe” was […]

Everyone grieves differently My path through grief may not be yours Some prefer hugs Some prefer “I’m sorry” I prefer stories Tell me a story about my love Tell me how he touched your life Tell me how he made you laugh Tell me stories of before we met Say his name So he won’t […]

18 days ago you left and I am slowly getting used to your physical absence I never thought it possible that you would not be here Reminders of you are all around In my heart In my soul In my essence In my tears You were loved With ferocity You loved me As none before […]

Today was my typical weekend day without my love. Just trying to keep busy so I wouldn’t overthink. I ran some errands and was in the area so I stopped by the cemetery to ‘say hello’. I shared what I had been doing, left a stone on the grass, cried, and realized that he’s not […]

I welcome this thing called grief. If grieving is present, great love existed. Would I grieve the loss of a stranger? Probably not. But grieving a loved ones loss provides the opportunity to remember, reflect, and learn. When a memory is triggered, more come like a flood. Sometimes they are accompanied by tears and others […]

16 days … and it seems like a year Since I last saw your face and held you near. 15 days … since the call came that morn When time stood still and my whole world was torn. 14 days … things are moving so swift Nothing’s the same. Do you know that you’re missed? […]

July/August 2019 Lawrence’s loss is not only affecting me, but everyone who loved him. On 1 July 2019 Sarah wrote: “Last night as I was putting Bristol to bed, she says to me “Why did grandma and paw paw have to pass away? I really wish they would come back.” Bristol is three years old […]

October 2005 There is something to be said for the anonymity of online dating. Don’t give out too much information, keep it simple. However, after the get-to-know-you email exchanges and wondering if this person or that person would be a good match, the initial meeting must happen. Our relationship got off the ground slowly, mostly […]

26 June 2019 It started out like any other recent day, except I woke up at 3:30am. Then again at 4:30am. The thought crossed my mind that I should dress and go to the hospital to be with my love. I got up, was pulling my clothing on, and the phone rang. It was the […]

There is Nobody on Earth as Unique as You Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. – Oscar Wilde— Oscar Wilde. The reason Lawrence and I got along so well is that we did not try to change each other. We celebrated our differences- even laughed about them. Laughter was a regular part of our […]

On 26 June 2019 we lost my best friend and husband Lawrence (Larry) Preisler. He was truly one-of-a-kind. The world is darker since his light went out. He could always make me laugh, even when he was feeling bad. He would be amazed at all the people who have reached out with stories of how […]