Blog Posts

Why I Write Rewrite

I have been meaning to write a new “Why I Write” post for some time now. Mainly because opening the ‘Blog Posts’ page and scrolling through the first post I wrote on this blog through tears is still incredibly painful to see, even now…

If you are curious, you can find it here:

Why I Write

So now for the Why I Write Rewrite:

I write because it helps me

see my way through the forest

even though the sad days

are fewer than before

they still come…

I write to share my journey

every messy, painful, brutal,

part of this grief thing and

the process of starting over

starting to live again

finding out who I am

after living entirely

thinking only of others

for 40 years-

and naively hoping that somehow

by writing this all down

it might help another.

Please don’t feel sorry for me,

I gave everything to

those that I loved

without reservation-

my love,

my children,

my parents,

was the caregiver to all

past the point of exhaustion,

willingly, and

with no regrets.

But make no mistake,

it’s now time for me

to find myself

to dig deep

slay my demons

conquer my darkness

overcome my fears

to do what’s good for me

to let in only the right people

to have fun, new experiences,

listen to music on full bore,

dance in the car,

to live, love, be kooky,

be kinky, embrace my weirdness,

and truly, fully, exponentially live!

But to also show that if

I hang on long enough,

lean on my G-d and my tribe,

scream when I have to,

cry when I need to,

talk only when I want to,

melt down occasionally

when it all gets to be too much,

but never give up:

I will survive

I will heal

I will make it

I will love this life

I will be a warrior

and

I will be radiant.

XO Lisa

Death and Dying III

And so it begins…

the worst comes out in people

after death.

Threats from family

who want their ‘fair share’

what they’re ‘entitled to’

right after saying

they don’t want anything.

They go so far as questioning

integrity, accusing of lies,

and calling their own lawyers.

I have never understood

the entitlement mindset,

because my parents taught that

the only things I deserved

were the things I worked for.

However, isn’t it always the case

that boxing gloves come out

and threats are made

when someone dies and

there is a chance to get

something for nothing?

I guess that’s what the ‘block’

feature on cellphones was

designed for… peace.

G-d help me in the coming days…

XO Lisa

Death and Dying II

His soul sat up. It met me. Those kinds of souls always do – the best ones. The ones who rise up and say “I know who you are and I am ready. Not that I want to go, of course, but I will come.” Those souls are always light because more of them have been put out. More of them have already found their way to other places.

Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

My Aunt Patricia 1943-2020

Death comes quickly, before

the living are ready.

It steals the ones we love

away from our presence

but takes them to the place

they have been longing for

their whole lives.

I was honored to be with

my beloved Aunt

as she crossed over from this world

to the next.

I played her favorite Christian music,

held her hand,

sang to her,

talked softly to her,

told her I loved her,

and that it was okay to go

throughout the evening.

The Respiratory Therapist in me

wanted to pound her chest

administer a breathing treatment

to take away the rattling

that hurt my heart

during the process,

but I could not.

However, the nurses and physician

ensured me that with the medication

she was comfortable,

and her face showed no signs of pain.

In the end, her exit from this life

was peaceful and easy.

So peaceful, in fact,

that I didn’t know it happened

for a couple of minutes.

No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Fast forward two days…

now dealing with the fallout

trying to honor her wishes

while dealing with family

wanting their ‘share’.

I promised her I would

do as she wanted,

and honor her wishes.

I am strong.

I can do this

for my Aunt who

was like a second mother to me.

She encouraged and supported,

built me up, held me up,

and kept me going

during dark times.

I will do this

last thing for her

in her memory.

💔 XO Lisa

Death and Dying

It’s pretty safe to say that we’ve all experienced death. Close by or from afar. But sitting by watching a loved one go through the process of dying is new for me.

I was not present at the time of death of my Love, my parents, or my grandparents. I have participated in codes and witnessed patients dying, but never anyone close to me. However, I am here at the bedside of my Aunt in her last hours. My mission is that she is comfortable and not alone.

She is a character. Strong willed. Resilient. Take-no-prisoners. One never has to wonder what she’s thinking because she will tell with absolutely no filter. Don’t piss her off and don’t mess with her family. Her wrath is a something to behold. The eighth wonder of the world. Many have mentioned that we are a lot alike…

A retired nurse, she spent her lifetime caring for others. Until she just couldn’t do it anymore, my Aunt collected clothing, sorted it, and gave it to charities for those less fortunate than herself. She sang, tithed, sent numerous cards, never forgot a birthday, and spent countless hours on the phone talking, gossiping, encouraging, and giving her opinion.

She loves her family with ferocity and goes out of her way to give us everything she can. She never had any biological children, but stepped in after my parents died and became the closest thing to a mom.

My cousin, Aunt’s stepdaughter, and I were talking about how she always built us up and told us how special we were. Even today when she could barely summon the strength to breathe, my Aunt managed to tell each of us that she loved us. We made a pact to believe what she told us and always build each other up.

Now as I sit here and pray for a smooth transition from the bonds of earth to the presence of G-d, I invite you to pray with me.

Thank you

XO Lisa

PS- I could use some strength as well… and a hug.

Embracing Weird Quotes

Do any of these resonate with you?

“Your oddity is your hottest commodity but you scratch yourself like it’s the lottery to reject yourself mentally, spiritually & bodily.”
― Curtis Tyrone Jones, Mirrors Of The Sun: Finding Reflections Of Light In The Shittiness Of Life

“Weird people love well.”
― Craig Groeschel, Weird: Because Normal Isn’t Working

“It’s not really my problem if they think I’m weird.”
― Sid Vicious

“Normal people live distracted, rarely fully present. Weird people silence the distractions and remain fully in the moment.”
― Craig Groeschel, Weird: Because Normal Isn’t Working

“Only for us would unweird be weird.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Rebel Belle

“I all of a sudden got to feeling like talking to people. Whenever I look at the ocean, I always want to talk to people, but when I’m talking to people, I always want to look at the ocean. I’m weird like that.”
― Haruki Murakami, Hear the Wind Sing

“Such ordeals always strike one with their strangeness, their digression from the normal flow of events, and often provoke a universal protest: “Why me?” Be sure that this is not a question but an outcry. The person who screams it has been instilled with an astonishing suspicion that he, in fact, has been the perfect subject for a very specific “weird,” a tailor-made fate, and that a prior engagement, in all its weirdness, was fulfilled at the appointed time and place.”
― Thomas Ligotti, Noctuary

“You seem all normal and quiet on the surface. But you are so much weirder than I am, and I am, extremely, fucking, weird.”
― Neil Gaiman, Trigger Warning: Short Fictions and Disturbances

“Of all individuals, the hated, the shunned, and the peculiar are arguably most themselves. They wear no masks whatsoever in order to be accepted and liked; they do seem most guarded, but only by their own hands: as compared to the populace, they are naked.”
― Criss Jami, Healology

“At this point I think we need to embrace the weird. High-five it. Give it our phone number.”
― Jim Zub, Wayward, Vol. 1: String Theory

“There is nothing wrong with being weird. Anyone who tells you different is only trying to be normal, which is too weird for me.”
― Jason Medina

“Normal people couldn’t be allowed to know how weird the world actually was.”
― Gavin G. Smith, The Age of Scorpio

“Being weird adds spice to life. Having weird friends just deepens the flavor”
― Jayelle Cochran

“The most interesting people are the unusual. No one writes about or discusses the average, the ordinary, or the common; they write about and discuss the weird, the mad and the different, so if you are one, even though the opinions of others are of no importance, you are, in their eyes, significant enough to notice and remember.”
― Donna Lynn Hope

“I’m drawn to unusual, even freakish people. Why? They are far more engaging than the ordinary, which the world has too much of.”
― Donna Lynn Hope

“If someone invented a thermometer that measured weirdness, it would probably melt under my tongue.”
― Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas

“There’s nothing sexier than imaging myself as an Oxford comma getting unambiguously banged. Throw in a semicolon in between two closely related independent clauses, and a volcanic love of punctuation eruption is guaranteed.”
― Ella Dominguez

and finally….

“I’d rather be weird than ordinary. Ordinary is so boring.”
― Noah Willoughby

If any of these quotes resonate, let me know in comments. I may just include the quote as my inspiration for my next installment.

XO Lisa

Weird Thoughts in an Insane World

Image by Vektor Kunst iXimus from Pixabay

“Don’t worry if you’ve been labeled as weird. Who wants to be classed as normal in an insane world?”
― Jennifer White – Strong Heart Awakening

I wake up at night and cannot sleep because my mind won’t let me. It immediately starts wondering, comparing, churning, racing. Thoughts like tennis balls volley back and forth. This is part of my weird- a process to try to understand things that I cannot fathom. To answer the unending ‘whys’ in my brain.

I think we can all agree that the world has gone insane. For some, being isolated sparks reflection and self-assessment. But not everyone reacts in the same way…

Some rebel

Ignore warnings

Some are obsessed with statistics

Some are just obsessed

Angry

Some research incessantly

Some are sad

Some hoard

Some help

Some hide

Some are happy

Some drink to excess

Some become conspiracy theorists

Some refuse to believe this Covid-19 virus is serious issue that could kill them, their family, and anyone they come in close contact with.

Some go to work every day caring for others without knowing if they will return home that evening. They do so even though personal protective equipment is scarce. They put their very lives on the line to help others. Because that is what they do. They are the helpers.

Others, do as they are told

Always

Slave to a Master

They follow

Blindly

Lemmings racing over the hill

Sheep to the Slaughter.

Surely there is a common ground somewhere between rebel and slave. A place where warnings are heeded, people are safe.

But what can one do in the face of a microscopic enemy? It’s easier to fight a foe that can be seen with the naked eye, to imagine standing up to a gladiator than a speck of matter.

The speck of matter, the virus, the unseen enemy, is like a thought in the middle of the night that will not allow sleep. It grows, replicates, goes rogue, mutates, and takes over the already weird mind causing it to churn incessantly.

I’m going for the Lysol so I can go back to sleep.

XO Lisa

No Membership Fee Required

Image: Pixaby

This is your un-engraved invitation

to join the

‘Embracing My Inner Weird Tribe’

no membership fee required.

Join me in the quest

to discover the self.

Because regardless of background,

race, religion, gender,

or any number of terms

society uses to define humans,

we all have a little weird

inside

that wants to be set free

let out of the box

come up into to light

that nagging inner voice that

refuses to let us live our fullest life-

tells us we’re not good enough

too fat, too thin,

hair too curly, too straight,

too short, too tall,

can’t do this well enough,

will never grab the brass ring,

find inner peace

reach the goal

conquer that fear

(damn, what a mess)

but when the voice

is acknowledged

faced head-on

let out of the box

let go

it loses its power

and will finally be silent.

The world beats us up

on a daily basis

why on earth should we

beat ourselves up too?

Let that inner masochist voice

die a thousand fiery deaths.

There really is no good reason to

strive for perfection

in this imperfect world.

Why do we live to please

imperfect people?

Care what others think?

Seek validation from

outside ourselves?

Instead:

We should

Love whom we choose

Celebrate what we choose

Dance when we choose

Be ourselves

Every bit of ourselves

Our true selves

Not changing for others

Not reinventing

Being true, steady,

honest,

unedited,

real!

Embracing our weird,

loving our weird,

and letting it out to play!

Welcome to the

‘Embracing My Inner Weird Tribe’

The glorious

‘this is me- take me as I am

or walk the other way tribe’

Happy to have you!

XO Lisa