Musings Gratitude? Day 12

“For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Today I am grateful for… at this point I really don’t know.

I can’t think of one damn thing.

Seriously.

I can see the calendar and count six days until the yahrzeit candle marking the first year on the Hebrew calendar, 18 days until the first year on the Gregorian calendar, 20 days until the stone unveiling.

Am I grateful for that? No

Yesterday I found myself at the cemetery. I checked the stone for accuracy – through the cheesecloth covering. Sat for awhile in the quiet. Talked. Cried. Played music from “Man of LaMancha” and “Fiddler on the Roof”, two of Larry’s favorite musicals. Really, any musical was his favorite. But he identified with Don Quixote and Tevye.

My sleep is crap again. I went to bed crying and woke up with tears. Just as I was beginning to sleep well… At least I had a few good weeks in the last year-and-a-half.

I am back to wanting to be alone. Counting days. Withdrawing into my head. My thoughts.

It is a good thing that I am familiar with this up and down, or I might think that I am going crazy.

Grief, mourning, grief, mourning… the cycle is unpredictable at best. Just when I think I am doing great, I get hit over the head with a sledge hammer. I hear Larry saying, “Don’t ever forget you are mine.” My response is, “Yes dear I know, however, I must let healing progress. I cannot endure this suffering. You know I will love you forever and never, ever, forget you.”

Back in December 2019, on day 176, I wrote:

“Grief is fluid

always back and forth

up and down

letting go and

falling down

but getting back up

to grab the bars

always trying

sometimes failing

sometimes stalling

many times afraid

but

never

giving

up.”

— Lisa M Preisler Monkey Bars and Grief

Even then, I knew that C.S. Lewis was correct. “The same leg is cut off time after time.”

If you are still here, reading through my seemingly disjointed thought-process, I have good news- I realized that I am grateful for something today:

I am grateful that I can look back on my journey through this nearly year of blogging and see that this isn’t the first time that I have been uber-sad, woke up crying, went to sleep crying, and had very little sleep. Even though I am counting days again. I am grateful to have a heads-up that according to C.S. Lewis, it won’t be the last time.

I am grateful that I can find something to be grateful for.

Especially today.

348 XO Lisa