Musings Gratitude Day 29

The Rest of the Story Continues

Today I am grateful to continue my story…

I was a wife, lover, best friend, and caregiver

with nobody to care for

after Larry died

…except myself.

To be honest, I didn’t care about myself.

I was lost in grief.

Torn apart, heart shattered.

It wasn’t as though I didn’t know that this day would come,

someday

but my heart didn’t want to believe it.

I was in shock

total shock

Numbing, nonstop crying, unable to think, didn’t want to be around people,

Shock.

The sheer magnitude of the joyous, effervescent, love of my life, the only person left on earth who loved me truly for me –

Larry

dying

being dead

dead

dead

was more than I could fathom.

I am happy that I didn’t have to take it all in at once.

It would have been too much for my soul.

---

I didn’t want to believe it

Even though I sat in the hospital room with his lifeless body for hours that morning. Smoothing his hair. Kissing his face. He looked so peaceful. The pain lines were erased from his forehead.

Making sure it was true.

It was.

He was at peace…

and in a place far better than I could ever imagine.

His beautiful spirit was free of the body that betrayed him.

He was no longer suffering in pain

…so I said goodbye.

---

Then I cried

cried

cried

and cried some more.

The tears wouldn’t stop.

When they did, briefly, I felt that I was

one thought away

one breath away

from crying

from dying.

I’m crying now as I write.

---

After Larry died

I was just me

with nobody to care for

except myself.

---

How does one who takes care of others over self take care of oneself?

To be continued…

364 XO Lisa