“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
For the last 330 days
Night has been my nemesis
The time when the darkness within
is mirrored by the darkness outside.
Flirting with the edge
of the dark abyss.
Turning on a light only casts a glow
around the radius of the bulb
the darkness still lurks
at the border of the arc.
Sometimes the darkness within
not so scary,
the enemy has declared a détente.
Other nights the war rages without end.
“There are different kinds of darkness,” Rhys said. I kept my eyes shut. “There is the darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful.” I pictured each. “There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good.”
― Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Mist and Fury
I will admit that this upcoming first year anniversary wants to plunge me back into the darkness of the soul.
I feel trepidation.
I have returned to counting days (36 until 26 June, 24 until the Yahrzeit candle at sunset 14 June)
My stomach hurts
I can barely eat
I am anxious.
I feel as though every first in the past year has been a practice for the upcoming big anniversary.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
― Mary Oliver
I will not let the night win my soul
focus on lessons
focus on survival
focus on light
focus on love
be the light
find the gift.