Yesterday’s Sentinel Event

Yesterday I received a great honor.

Addendum: 8/1 someone whom I once held in high esteem shared my blog post on his page. I will never say that the books did not help me. It’s just that I cannot tolerate individuals who do not practice what they preach.

I was deeply touched, and honored to be considered a teacher in the ensuing comments.

I grew up in a home with parents who valued the ‘suck it up and move on’ mentality. There is no blame to be passed out, it’s how they were raised, and they aren’t around to defend themselves. However, that motto and mourning then moving on to the process of healing from the death of a loved one do not walk hand-in-hand in my (humble) opinion. My opinion is evidenced by events that took place almost five months after my mom’s passing, when my dad took his own life because his heart was utterly and completely broken.

After every loss, death, and change in my life, I have gone with what I knew up to July 2019: “Suck it up and move on.”

Until I received Permission to Mourn.

I read it, devoured it,

my soul embraced it,

My grief from all previous losses

finally had an outlet

the act of mourning.

Crazy, unpredictable,

crying, screaming,

freaking out,

sleeping, not sleeping,

eating, not eating,

hit me over the head

with a baseball bat

at the most inopportune times

mourning.

I let it all out,

for all to witness.

I was a mess, a train wreck,

sometimes a puddle.

My friends and family

got tired of me

I bugged the crap out of them.

I was needy – I apologize

(it stinks being alone

after having my person for 14 years).

I chose writing as an outlet,

hence this blog.

But through allowing myself

to mourn deeply

I found my power!

The healing process

started.

The continuum continues

I will survive

I am worthy

I will be radiant!

XO Lisa