My path up and out of the abyss of grief started with acceptance.
I didn’t want to accept that everything changed in an instant
I didn’t want to plan a funeral
I didn’t want anything but to crawl into a dark place and cry
The world was dark and my pain made it darker.
I didn’t want to live anymore.
But after a period of time I could no longer deny the reality of Larry’s physical death.
The funeral was over
The tear induced headaches were excruciating and darkness was only half the day
I was still alive and I had a choice to make:
I could choose to live a life of sadness- for the remainder of my life dwelling on absence, loss, lack, void.
I could choose to be positive and find the silver lining- but nothing seemed shiny or positive.
I could choose to recall only happy memories, but that action alone resulted in more sadness.
There was one important turn in the map that I missed:
here we go again with that word
The conversations in my head were a bit frightening about this easy word to say but hard thing to do.
But in the end I had to accept the stark reality
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”Jon Kabat-Zinn
Only after I allowed myself to accept the unthinkable reality could I entertain the thought of living.
Only after I allowed myself to accept the unthinkable reality could I entertain the thought of finding just one thing each day to be grateful for.
Only after I allowed myself to accept the unthinkable reality could the one daily grateful thought turn into a habit of gratitude.
Only after I allowed myself to accept the unthinkable reality could a habit of gratitude lead to an absence of fear.
Only after I allowed myself to accept the unthinkable reality could an absence of fear lead to happiness and joy in the present moment.
Thanks be to God!
XO Lisa ❤️