This is my second rewrite of “Why I Write”.
The reason I started blogging can be found here: Why I Write
The first re-write on 28 Feb 2019 can be found here: Why I Write Rewrite
I still write because it helps me
– see how far I have come
– see how far I have to go on my healing path
– to share my journey
– still with the same naive hope that it might help another who is on the same path
– to see concrete evidence of my growth
– and to just be me!
I am moving forward,
embracing my shadows, weirdness, demons, kink, depravity, and acknowledging them so they will no longer have power over me.
Saying YES to me.
Embracing myself, she whom I once hated, Me, the person my Love loved and cherished.
I am finally seeing myself as he saw me,
my self-talk is different,
and I finally like me.
It’s nice to be me when I like me,
because I am no longer afraid of myself.
In “Why I Write” my first statement was “On 26 June 2019 we
kist nt best fruebd abd gysbabd lost my best friend and husband.”
My viewpoint changed so radically on the point of my Love being “lost” that when not looking at the keyboard, I could not type the words. I had to concentrate and really look at the keys to finish that sentence.
The point is: HE IS NOT LOST! My Love is with us every second. I know this because I firmly believe that Heaven is in the presence of G-D. I was taught from a very young age that G-D is everywhere. If heaven is in the presence of G-D and G-D is indeed everywhere, then our loved ones who are no longer present in the physical plane must be everywhere as well. Therefore, my Love is here or with his children, or our grandchildren, or his family, friends, or wherever he wants to be. But he can be and is everywhere.
I have found my voice, the inner voice that was silent,
the voice that knows what she wants.
I have finally learned the difference between need and want.
I no longer need to seek others’ approval
nor need another to feel validated.
Want is an entirely different subject,
not needing another to feel validated
– I have had the best and I will not settle.
I write to bring peace and quiet
to my overthinking mind,
to give a voice to the mourning
that comes in waves
at the most inopportune times.
The waves are no longer tsunami force,
the winds are no longer hurricane strength,
but tears still come,
and that is perfectly okay.
I have learned that mourning is the outward expression of internal grief and must be felt (every messy, brutal, storm-filled moment)
to give rise to healing.
So I will someday become radiant.
Finally, I write to heal.
I am healing…