I’ve been listening and learning
during this covid solitude.
on myself, for myself.
I’ve been listening to Facebook live feeds from my favorite author Tom Zuba. His books literally changed my life after the death of my Love nearly 10 months ago.
Listening to explanations, seeing others’ reactions, and the opportunity to interact have helped tremendously in my process.
Grief is internal. Mourning is external. Everyone experiences grief. Only those who want to heal do the hard work of mourning. 💛”— Tom Zuba
Grief is not foreign. I have experienced deep grief since my Love died. Before that, my parents, sister, grandparents, and now most recently my Aunt. But before the last 10 months, I’ve held it in, not wanted to mourn. Not dared to let go and do the work of healing.
Holding in grief, stuffing it down, stiff upper lip, ‘it is what it is’, are toxic to my soul.
Outwardly expressing mourning with lamentation, crying (seemingly endless), and writing a lot (as evidenced here), work better for me and have helped me cope. When the waves of darkness overtake I have finally learned to reach out and not internalize.
Therefore, healing is not a destination, but the process that provides the tools to deal with the darkness when it knocks on the door. When on the road to healing, darkness includes rays of light to grab onto. But the process is life-long.
I could never stop loving my Love. He will always creep into my thoughts through memories, visits, funny things that remind me, his daughter’s sense of humor, anniversaries, 430, 626, 777, and other things that are better off unsaid.
But I will love again, if someone strong enough to accept that fact and that it’s not a competition comes along.
My new favorite quote (where I am now):
“I discovered that healing is not a destination. I won’t wake up one day and be finally and fully healed, not while I’m in my physical body. Rather, healing is my new way of being in the world. Healing requires action every day. My hope, my prayer, my goal, and yes, my intention is to heal a little bit more each day until I finish my work here and leave my physical body.”— Tom Zuba https://oncomingalive.com/posts/a-new-way-of-being/
Healing is hard, imperfect work.
I will continue to heal,
cherish my family and friends,
continue to mourn,
then heal some more,
accept love if it comes,
then heal some more,
write, live, be me,
and heal some more,
and so it goes…