“One by one she slew her fears, and then planted a flower garden over their graves.”
― John Mark Green
The small daylilies have run their course and the large flowers are blooming.
I love the ruffled edges and bright colors.
Each flower blooms only once, then dies.
It’s a good thing that, unlike daylilies, we humans can receive additional chances to bloom, shed fears, change areas of life that are in need of improvement, love again,
and even save us from ourselves.
I am in the process of doing all these things.
Blooming again after a period of intense darkness is an amazing feeling. My fears that were magnified by grief are lessening considerably because I am no longer focused solely on grief.
Part of the reason that I am no longer solely focused on grief is that I did a great deal of work and did not stifle the mourning/grieving process after Larry died.
I worked on areas of myself that needed improvement and am not afraid to admit that I am by no means perfect.
I am also accepting myself the way I am and no longer make apologies for such.
Another new facet of me is that I will no longer tolerate bullying, disrespect, negativity, or hostility.
My goal is to live a peaceful life.
My fears are gone.
Fear of living alone –
Fear of death –
Fear of the ramifications of standing up for myself –
Fear of loving again in order to avoid the possibility of loss –
Fear of spiders –
still present…. as I said before, I’m not perfect.
Embracing grief, myself, and my shadows has caused a great awakening that allowed me to identify what I want and endeavour to not settle for less.
This self work allowed me to love myself and be open to loving again.
Which brings me to #208 Celebration:
My “too old to be a boyfriend, SO Bill, Kimbal, or William” depending on who is talking asked me to be his wife last weekend.
I joyfully said “Yes”!
To say that I was surprised was an understatement…
Throughout the last 256 days since we met face-to-face he has become a major part of my life.
He accepts me as I am, warts, chin hairs, past and all. Of course, the feelings are mutual.
We share a lot of laughter and fun together.
My fiancée (first time I have ever typed that) has even become accustomed to saying ‘hello’ to Larry when the lights flicker.
He understands the history I shared with Larry is an entirely separate entity than the loving relationship that we have together.
His love and acceptance gives me the freedom to share memories and feelings without fear of offending and absolutely no jealously on his part.
Therefore, William, my fiancée (I said it again – still getting used to this new change in title), is not a replacement but a cherished gift in my life.
We have agreed that G-d put us together for a reason.
With childlike wonder, I cannot wait to see what the future holds!
XO Lisa ❤️