Badassery on 10/21 and Unapologetically Real

Finding Joy

Well hello little badass calendar…

Isn’t this an interesting story…

Makes me think of myself at times, so intent on a goal that I cannot see the proverbial forest for the trees.

Or perhaps G-d in the forest, especially when I am lost.

Speaking of forests, when one is singularly focused on one thing, it is definitely difficult to use peripheral vision.

For instance, walking through the forest of grief:

Some days the forest was so dark and menacing only the singular focus to make it to the end of the day then pray not to wake up the next morning was possible.

Other days, the forest was numb with no sign of life to be found and sleep my fondest companion.

Still others, mourning and crying prevailed and the day was lost in a cascade of tears.

But onward I walked, placing one foot in front of the other.

As I proceeded through the dark parts of the wilderness, the pessimist in me argued with the optimist. All in my head, of course. It went something like this:

‘The darkness is so overwhelming, it will never end!”

“Just keep walking, you’ll find sunshine soon…”

“I am not strong enough, it’s time to quit…”

“Just look up through the tree canopy – see the shimmering slivers of light? There is light, you have to look for it – believe it is there – never lose hope!”

“You are so full of shit. Life sucks.”

The voice changed, “Trust me, trust me, trust me.”

… and so it went.

There were days that I couldn’t see any light

did not want to

was not possible

but when I finally decided that I had suffered enough sorrow for two lifetimes, the light was able to make it through

my joy returned

my sadness receded.

Am I still sad at times? Of course! I cried my way through another milestone last weekend, and that’s okay.

But I am back!

I found my

Joy

again!

Yes, I said Joy!

I can not only see the forest, but also the path, trees, wildlife, flowers, canopy, and beautiful sparkling light shining down through the trees!

I want to walk endlessly with the eyes of a child to see everything that I missed on the dark days. There are so many interesting things in the forest and on the periphery with numerous rabbit holes to explore that may satisfy my endless curiosity.

Now, when the sadness returns, for a moment or a day, I recognize that it is transient.

I hold my head high as I revel in the memories, remember the love, give thanks, and look up to the light.

For all gifts, sad, joyful, dark, and lovely come from G-d.

XO Lisa