Confessions

I am an Ambivert

Meaning, I display both introverted and extroverted personality characteristics.

I sit back, observe, see where I may or may not fit it, and then decide if I am going to act – or not. Some people may see this as stand-offish. It really isn’t. I get to know people first which makes it easier to interact.

I can’t say that I am shy, because when I am comfortable or my guard is down I am anything but shy. It’s just getting to that sweet spot of being comfortable. I need time to recharge. I overthink. I like to listen but encourage people to look for solutions. I have a very small group of close friends. I enjoy people, but I like being alone at times. I am flexible, easygoing, and base decisions on feelings.

I am passionate, honest, loyal, tenacious, and sometimes a raging bitch when pushed to my limit. I have a wicked sense of humor. I love music. I take risks. But inside, I am still that six-year old girl who wonders if she is good enough. All of this sometimes makes me feel as though I am a walking, talking, breathing, contradiction.

My Love was a textbook Extrovert. All out there for the world to see. He was jolly, could talk to anyone, larger than life, adventuresome, and my polar opposite in the personality department. He dragged me along on his adventures- scratch that, I went willingly. He brought me out of my introversion and into a world of color and talking and meeting new people, many whom I call wonderful friends.

Before I met my Love, I was an all-out Introvert. He rocked my world and brought out my closet love of people and renewed my sense of adventure. I became an “Ambivert” – someone in the middle.

Now, without him, I find myself falling back into old introverted habits. My world is a little darker. Overthinking has returned. Staying home has become the norm. I can truly say that I miss my self when I was with him.

One of the ‘dealing with grief’ tools that I have found effective in the past is to answer these questions then act:

What was the one quality they possessed that you wish you had?

How can you put it in practice in your own life to honor them and keep them with you always?

If I were to answer this question about my Love (and I am, otherwise, what’s the point), I would say his extroverted personality and sense of adventure. (Yes, I know that’s two, I never follow rules). We shared passion, honesty, loyalty, tenaciousness, and occasional exasperation. His larger-than-life personality and sense of adventure is what drew me to want to get to know him.

So I will endeavour to honor him by moving back to the me that I was when we were together. The best me. The one that he brought out. He would be happy about that. I think he’s doing a jig right now and giving me a high-five.

So here’s to a new decade and finding myself again.

I will not let the darkness win.

After all, I never, ever, give up.

193 & 5/365 XO Lisa