Why I Write

Why I Write IV

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

― Michael Cunningham

771 Days ago my alone journey started

the day Larry went on his last great adventure.

I was thrown into the abyss of grief

One month and three days later I started this blog with

Why I Write

and the winding road through the depths is here for all to see.

At 228 days I wrote Why I Write Rewrite

At 319 days Why I Write Rewrite II

and at 405 days Why I Write Rewrite III.

It’s time for an update!

I. Am. Happy.

Three words that 771 days ago never would I have dreamed to be able to utter aloud.

I. Am. Happy!

The happiness I speak of is not because I am loved by a wonderful, loving, caring man – or that we are getting married on 13th August next week.

The kind of happiness that I speak of is from the depths of my soul and shines through the cracks of my formerly broken, now scarred from mending heart.

I think of it as light shining through a stained glass window happy.

I. Am. Happy.

that I had exquisite love with Larry who taught me in the beginning that love didn’t have to hurt and paved the way for the future.

I. Am. Happy.

that I can now recognize the difference between transient sadness and paralyzing grief –

like the tears in my eyes when I had to find Larry’s death certificate to take with us and my SO fiancée not only was supportive, but also understood.

I. Am. Happy.

that every, single, experience that I had in the past made me who I am today – good and bad.

I. Am. Happy.

because I am at peace.

I can truthfully say that my heart and my head are still.

I. Am. Happy.

Because I am at this point in life and I am so utterly different from who I was 771 days ago that I do not know if I would recognize that face if it stared back at me from the mirror.

“When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
gnaws on kind words
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.”

― Maya Angelou

I. Am. Happy.

that Larry existed.

I. Am. Happy.

that I was loved by him and was his.

I. Am. Happy.

that I am a better person because he existed.

I. Am. Happy.

for the lessons I learned along the way to this moment of time when

I. Am. Happy.

to start a new chapter in life while never forgetting.

I. Am. Happy.

That I am no longer avoiding life!

XO Lisa ❤️

9 comments on “Why I Write IV

  1. beautiful Lisa and I’m soooo happy you’re happy!💖💖❣️❣️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Life is a journey. With God’s love and grace, He helps us overcome our times in the wilderness. May you continue writing new pages. Blessings Lisa.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is beautiful, Lisa. Perfect, just perfect! And I don’t even have the words to fully express how happy I AM for you…and for you.
    And Omgoodness!!!!!! Next week!!!!! WHOOHOO!!!!!💕🙏🍾🥂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bravo!❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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