A Shift to Peace

I was asked a question over the weekend that required some thought:

“How can you relax so deeply?”

Trust me, this wasn’t always the case…

I overthought everything,

worried constantly,

doubted myself,

and I hated my life.

I was a trainwreck.

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I Overthought Everything

My brain never rested,

it was a whirlpool of turmoil

never stopping even in sleep time

(if one could call it sleep)

I was exhausted.

Overthinking and exhaustion led to worry.

“Don’t get too deep, it leads to over thinking, and over thinking leads to problems that doesn’t even exist in the first place.”

― Jayson Engay

I Worried Constantly

What if:

I am not good enough.

I am alone.

My kids hate me.

Nothing works out?

I can’t get ___ done on time?

My house isn’t perfect, nobody can come over.

I was constantly apologizing – for everything

even the good things.

I was driving myself crazy.

Worse than that, the self-defeating, worry caused me to doubt myself.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

I Doubted Myself

Every day in every way.

I never gave myself a break from the incessant nagging self-flagellation swirling thoughts in my head.

“Uncertainty within thyself may lead to a vigorous destruction in your life…”

― SoulWanderer

I Hated My Life

Because I was living in a woe-is-me space,

I hated my life.

My Parents died.

I was too busy with My Love’s illness, suffering and trying to be strong for him to grieve my parents.

My Love died.

When he died, I grieved all three of them.

My family lived far away.

My friends got tired of my grieving.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to see people.

I didn’t want help.

I didn’t want to heal.

I didn’t want to live.

I was in a constant state of agony.

“To experience real agony is something hard to write about, impossible to understand while it grips you; you’re frightened out of your wits, can’t sit still, move, or even go decently insane.”

― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last

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One day I realized that I was on a fast-track to driving myself insane.

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I had decisions to make,

soul-searching to do,

darkness to conquer,

and shadows to face.

It wasn’t easy.

I searched my soul.

First I had to decide that I no longer wanted to suffer

then I had to work on my darkness and shadows,

realize that nothing I could do could change the past,

and finally,

I had to let go.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation

I made a conscious decision to let go,

of every messy, overthinking, worry filled, self-doubting, woe-is-me, hate-my-life focused, obsessive-compulsive need to maintain complete control over every aspect of my life, thought process

and

gave it all to G-d

I surrendered

and passed everything in my life

back to The O-e who is ultimately in control,

knows my beginning and end,

strategically placed obstacles in my path to stop me in my tracks

so I would come back to H-m

where I belonged all along.

“Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.”

― Augustine of Hippo, Confessions

The moment I let go

of everything

to focus only on the things I could control:

maintaining peace,

not worrying about things I have no control over,

praying about everything,

asking for direction,

tuning out negativity,

finding the positive,

and always looking up,

I Found Gratitude

in simple, everyday things.

Joy

that is sweeter than pain

Contentement

that is richer than sorrow

and

Peace Over Pain

that is beyond my understanding.

²⁸ And we have known that to those loving God all things do work together for good, to those who are called according to purpose;

²⁹ because whom He did foreknow, He also did fore-appoint, conformed to the image of His Son, that he might be first-born among many brethren;

³⁰ and whom He did fore-appoint, these also He did call; and whom He did call, these also He declared righteous; and whom He declared righteous, these also He did glorify.

³¹ What, then, shall we say unto these things? if God [is] for us, who [is] against us?

³² He who indeed His own Son did not spare, but for us all did deliver him up, how shall He not also with him the all things grant to us?

³³ Who shall lay a charge against the choice ones of God? God [is] He that is declaring righteous,

³⁴ who [is] he that is condemning? Christ [is] He that died, yea, rather also, was raised up; who is also on the right hand of God — who also doth intercede for us.

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of the Christ? tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Romans 8: 28-35, Young’s Literal Translation

My way to abiding peace

was to let go and surrender to G-d.

Yours may be different.

XO Lisa ❤️ living a gratitude filled life!