Gratitude Day 119

Today I am grateful that I am

Just that I am

That I am

Who I am.

I am everything that I have overcome, that has happened in my life (good and bad), every decision that I have made. Every life experience whether positive or negative, each trauma, have come together to form the person who is me.

30 years ago, I was in survival mode. Grieving the end of a marriage, even though there was trauma involved in the form of domestic violence and infidelity. My self-esteem was in shreds.

Like most, I believed what I was told: That it was all my fault. I became a master at compartmentalization for self preservation.

“The traumatic moment becomes encoded in an abnormal form of memory, which breaks spontaneously into consciousness, both as flashbacks during waking states and as traumatic nightmares during sleep. Small, seemingly insignificant reminders can also evoke these memories, which often return with all the vividness and emotional force of the original event. Thus, even normally safe environments may come to feel dangerous, for the survivor can never be assured that she will not encounter some reminder of the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

I did ”encounter some reminder of a past trauma.”

True to form, I was transported back to a time when I was much younger, less confident, and definitely not the same person who I am today.

“Many people look at their past and bemoan their mistakes. Those errors in judgment, behavior, hurting others, and the wrong decisions may be what consumes them now. It does not have to be that way, for recovering from a traumatic situation is all a matter of how we think about what happened. It is not so much about what happened to us as what we make of the circumstance.”
― David W. Earle LPC- Love is Not Enough

The incident is still hanging around, indicating that I still have some shadows lurking about that must be dealt with. A ghost from the past returned to my head, therefore an exorcism is in order.

I am processing the implications now because I realize that, although 30 years later, my trauma had a long-term affect on others.

Others whom I care about. Deeply.

My trauma impacted my children.

One, as an adult, still feels as though s/he has to choose between parents.

Both have been divorced.

I cannot re-do the past, nor can I take responsibility for actions other than my own.

However, I would like to tell both my children that I am sorry that this adult in their lives was fucked up by trauma and it affected them.

I did the very best that I could.

Please learn from my mistakes.

Please know that I love you with all my heart and soul.

“No amount of me trying to explain myself was doing any good. I didn’t even know what was going on inside of me, so how could I have explained it to them?”
― Sierra D. Waters, Debbie.

XO Lisa / Mom ❤️