Today I am grateful for…
The sad thing is,
that it is hard to realize
during the collapsing,
and destruction phases,
that life is worth living,
it isn’t my end,
to be patient and roll with the changes,
take the waves of grief as they come,
mourn the death,
let tears flow as needed,
ride out the storms of mourning,
and rebirth is just over the horizon.
Unless one is a super-evolved human being.
I’ll admit, I am not.
Luckily, during early grief, the brain doesn’t let the full weight of what happened hit like a sledge hammer.
It sinks in incrementally – when it can be absorbed and processed.
I think that the incremental realization of what can only be described as loss of someone or something dear is a necessary defense mechanism. For if the full depth, breadth, and weight of grief had hit all at once, it would have been unbearable.
But, at least for me, it was an incremental realization that allowed me to heal in steps. Sometimes baby-steps, and sometimes leaps and bounds, but not all at once.
For instance, my reaction to the videos yesterday in Gratitude Day 106.
Yesterday, at first hearing Larry’s voice and seeing him struck my heart and soul. I felt the familiar wave of grief coming on, cried most of the morning, then was comforted in an odd sort of way.
Painful at first, but a reminder of the pure, enduring love between Paw Paw and Miss B., that transported me to our love throughout the years we spent together.
One year ago or even six months ago, viewing a video of Larry would have turned me into a hot mess puddle of crying. I would have crumbled at the sound of Larry’s voice for who knows how long. I might have thought it was the end of my world. That life wasn’t worth living.
I hope that I am past those self-defeatist feelings now.
My grief journey has been a long and winding road. Three steps forward – two steps back, but always (correction, mostly) moving forward.
I no longer see collapse and crumbling as destruction,
I see it as an impetus to rebuild my life for me,
to experience rebirth,
to facilitate healing,
look back when I want to,
cry when I need to,
and live life at my fullest potential.
XO Lisa ❤️