94 Days

Yes, I am still counting the days without my Love.

The 90-day-ish mark has always been the hardest for me.

The loss becomes, shall I say, real. Grief on overdrive.

When my sister died 15 years ago, the 90-day mark was the time when I nearly drove over a bridge thinking at least the daunting pain would be gone. Thankfully, I realized that was not a great solution and sought help.

I feel confused and do not like it. My mind says that I am tired of crying, but my brain knows it is the normal grief process. Many times, I want to be alone but in the next moment want to be around people. This house with memories all over is painful one second and comforting the next. One day I want to stay here then another I want to run far away from everything.

But there are glimmers of hope. When I feel most alone on this supersonic grief highway, I get a ‘checking in’ call or text from family and friends. These simple acts of kindness let me know others still think of me, miss him, want to talk about him. I am not alone on this journey because they feel the same. We can cry together or laugh together at funny memories. Therefore, I must not be crazy. The sun shines through the clouds for a moment.

Grief is

Real

Daunting

Painful

Confusing

But also

Hopeful

© Lisa P 28 September 2019