Gratitude 195 Captivity

I am grateful for balance.

That I am able to be grateful, and that expressing gratitude has literally changed my life to allow me to see situations in a positive light.

I’ll admit that in the beginning I really didn’t feel it. Grateful, that is. I was too stuck in sorrow, grief, and pain. It had become a habit. I had been in that state for so long that I couldn’t fathom a different lifestyle.

I knew that the thing that Larry didn’t want was for me to be always sad. He told me so. But the fact of the matter was that I was sad. All the time.

I was holding myself captive in sadness, depression, sorrow, and grief. Truly saw no way out, and of course I over-analyzed everything.

Until I started practicing gratitude. Part of my gratitude is taking nothing for granted. Nothing.

One day I made the decision that I could no longer live in pain.

Just as practicing gratitude was a constant decision, so was being joyful.

I was so surprised the first time I felt joyful that I had to sit down and figure out the reason why I was feeling this way.

I made a conscious decision to seek peace.

My peace.

Peace that works for me.

Even during lockdown I was making myself busy, taking classes, workshops, spending lots of time on social media, shopping, literally doing anything to avoid myself and my grief. Finally I set boundaries and it helped me survive.

Even if it means saying “NO”. Even if people aren’t happy about my decisions. I realized that although I previously said “Yes”, I can still say “NO”.

Now that I am grateful, take nothing for granted, joyful, peaceful, able to say no and set boundaries, I am open to love, happiness, and companionship.

All these things allowed my heart to open up to love. Sure I knew I was loved by family and friends. But until I pulled up and out of the sadness, depression, sorrow, and grief my vision for the future was me, myself, and I. Alone.

You heard that right, I no longer feel guilty about being happy. For a long while I felt what only might have been pegged as survivor’s guilt. Larry died and I didn’t – what right did I have to be happy? He always had my best interests at heart and wanted me to be happy. I was using his death as an excuse to avoid dealing with my own issues – one of which included giving myself permission to move forward with life.

Finally, I chose faith over fear. I felt myself being pulled back to my childhood faith and this time I did not argue with G-d. I didn’t question H-s wisdom. I was no longer mad at H-m for Larry’s death. Choosing faith over fear brought peace to my distress and added to my joy, peace, and happiness.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity…”

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Although the Lord was talking to the Israelites, these verses speak to my soul.

G-d knows the plans H- has for me (and you) and they include hope and a future.

When we call on H-m, pray and seek H-m with all our hearts, we will find H-m.

Whatever is holding us captive, G-d will rescue us.

All we need do is ask.

G-d promised to bring us back from captivity.

XO Lisa ❤️