As I sit on my side porch in the cool morning breeze I am grateful for many occurrences over the last two years.
Things that, in retrospect, came together to bring me to this moment in time and mold me into the person I am today.
In no particular order, my gratitude list for today:
I. I am grateful to G-d that He guided me throughout and continues to guide my path. When I get off track He nudges me back to His presence, like the loving Father He is. Omnipresent, omnipotent, and with me even during the darkest of times – protecting me from myself by putting angels in the form of friends in my path who called at just the right times in the early days of darkness.
II. I am grateful that Larry is no longer in pain. Saying this brings tears to my eyes, but seeing him in severe pain for so long that not even narcotics could touch hurt not only him, but also my soul on a very deep level. I realize that he fought to live for so long because he didn’t want to leave his children, grandchildren, family, and me because he told me so and loved us all deeply. I also know on a soul level that in the end he was peaceful and continues to remain at peace in the presence on G-d.
III. I am grateful for my family. By birth or by choice, they have stood by me and supported me in countless ways big and small.
IV. I am grateful for the pandemic that forced me to slow down, stay at home, and confront my darkness. It may seem strange to be thankful for a pandemic that wrecked havoc on the entire world, but speaking from a truly personal point of view, it forced me to stay home. Without it I would have made myself busy running from grief. In addition, COVID made me grateful for life after I recovered from contracting the infection in December 2019.
V. I am grateful for my S.O., Bill, who has been in my life for the last seven months and has a piece of my heart. He is kind, intelligent, makes me laugh, and we share many of the same viewpoints and values. Most importantly, we have fun together.
VI. I am grateful for the people who gathered around me two years ago when I was numb from grief and helped me through the processes that needed to happen. For those who continue to call, even when I am silent. You are true friends.
VII. I am grateful for those people who didn’t rush me, who sat by my side in silence when I needed someone near. Who didn’t smother but were there. I have met many amazing people while on this grief journey who I am now blessed to call friends.
VIII. I am grateful for the friends who no longer invite me over because it would be awkward without Larry’s presence. I miss those days, but it’s not the same.
IX. I am grateful that during the darkest times I didn’t give in to grief and kill myself when I thought that life wasn’t worth living. My life is richer two years later than I could have ever imagined at that time.
X. I am grateful for my Aunt’s suggestion that I start a blog to write down what I was thinking and feeling. She was a guiding light in my life and her memory is certainly a blessing to me. I am grateful for each of you who read and take the time to comment!
XI. Finally, I am grateful for gratitude. The practice has changed my outlook on life. It helps chase away darkness, be unapologetically real, joyful, and free to embrace whatever the future holds.
XO Lisa ❤️