Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies
I am my own worst enemy.
Yes, I typed it out loud.
I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!
There, I shouted it (even imagining myself standing on a mountain top).
The question is why.
There has to be a lesson here somewhere…
So let’s unpack this slowly and deliberately:
My biggest source of angst is my body image.
There have been assholes in my life who professed to care, but proceeded to body shame and call derogatory names.
There are and have been others who accept me just as I am. For those individuals I am incredibly grateful.
As I get older, things are changing.
I suppose it’s the natural order of things…
Last year brought probable Covid infection and a month of prednisone from poison oak which, combined with lockdown, caused a 30lb weight gain.
Then early this year allergic reactions became more frequent and I found myself narrowing down the culprits to the supplements that I had been successfully taking for years.
But it didn’t stop there…
Finding a new balance was difficult and resulted in a diverticulitis flare. One of the two antibiotics (or the combination-who really knows) caused such significant muscle pain to that I was truly frightened if I was going to return to full mobility.
It still hasn’t happened. My gut isn’t completely back to normal either, but that isn’t surprising. I will have to be very careful for awhile.
So why turn a post that I had intended to write as funny and lighthearted into a woe-is-me diatribe about my angst at things I really have no control over?
‘Wait a minute,’ you may be saying, ‘what do you mean you have no control over?’
Well, seriously, if you’re asking that, my response is ‘f*ck off!’
Well, if you’re still reading, congratulations! Thank you for listening. I feel better now…
Unpacking or unloading, as it turned out, was cathartic to a point.
I just have to remember that these obstacles are (hopefully) temporary.
As for the body image deal, I will work through it. I must get to the point of loving myself as I am, 25lbs more than comfortable until I am feeling better and these pop-up issues resolve.
For the time being, I will repeat to myself:
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made!”
“I am worthy”
“G-d is in control”
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.Psalm 139: 13-16
I am grateful!